the days when the chronic lack of sleep catch up to you and your skin feels brittle. And not just your real skin, but your emotional skin, your intelligence skin, your everything skin? That was me today.
For starters I was doing boys drop-off so I don’t get to work until 10.30 – which is just bad and makes me all anxiety-laden and stress-addled.
Then an agency person is made an acting manager of a new work unit. Dumb.
Then a loud talker loud talks all FRIGGIN morning.
Then someone basically wanted me to do their job for them.
Then there is the new girl at Jasper’s daycare who I disliked the instant I saw her. And disliked even more as I saw her drag Jasper to her by the arm rather than moving her own arse to him and lifting him up like ANY SANE PERSON would do. Then even more dislike on how she talked to the other children – revealing NO understanding of child development and a harshness that is just not appropriate. You know when people approach their parenting from a base of resentment, anger and begrudging have-to-ness rather than one that is engaging, positive and founded in love? And hearing her this morning RAISE HER VOICE to a child to site down – when the child had finished morning tea and was standing up because she was finished and wanted to go and play – on just arriving at the Centre. And moving from dislike to plain HATE as it dawned on me that up until her arrival I was really happy with the whole arrangement and not feeling that much guilt about leaving Jasper four days of the week in the care of others because they were so good, and that this STUPID IDJIOT BAD ATTITUDE SKANKY HOE has taken that away from me. And now I’m back in the land of “I’m doing the wrong thing, he should be with me” just because of HER. IDIOT.
Then there is the not getting any exercise since returning to work.
Then there is the “I’m going to bed” and getting there two hours later after pumping, doing washing, hanging washing out, cleaning up kitchen, getting stuff ready for work the next day, getting kids bags ready for school etc. While Chef goes “ok” and goes to bed instantly. And wonders why when I get there, twenty hours after I was last there, I don’t wake him for some loving.
Then there is the mornings, when I get up at 5 regardless of being woken or not because that is when I have to get up if the household is to function with minimal stress and everyone is to get out of the house without getting hurt. And Chef gets up half an hour before needing to be at work. Sits, eats breakfast, gets dressed and leaves.
Then there is the meeting tonight of the support service – a celebration. A few thank yous my way, many directed to someone else who couldn’t make it and then me feeling quite jarred that much of the “we couldn’t have done its” are all being attributed solely to the other. Tell myself to stop being so freakin’ vain and egotistical and that it was about bringing about change and not who brought it about. That it was a group effort. Stop it. But am feeling a bit cross that my efforts of the last 6 weeks are seen as second mate.
I know this is all because I’m exhausted and all ability to be rational fled my body days ago.
So I’m just going to radiate in the warm glow of this stunning blog vista now and pump my life away. (Another thing I’m loving – is that the links to all of you guys open in new windows, not in this one. That is awesome.)
And go to bed for – hopefully – about four hours before doing it all again.