To summarise

What was with the land of dowd at this years Oscars?

I mean, Jennifer Jason Leigh with those dark, beady eyes looked like she simply forgot to wash her hair let alone style it in any way. My boss’ comment went along the lines of, “well that is simply unacceptable and a fine example of why foils were invented.”

Charlize. It’s hard for a woman that stunning to fail at anything because we all know that the skinnier you are, the prettier you are and the prettier you are the more talented you are and that of course makes you the happiest person in the world. But that doesn’t mean you’re allowed to dress up as Forrest Gump’s chocolate box.

While Helena Bonham Carter will always hold a place in my heart purely due to A Room with a View and making me a hopeless romantic in the space of two hours (sidenote: did anyone else know the Merchant of Merchant and Ivory died this year? What will become of period dramas???

Does Keira Knightley really wield such power through stilted appalling acting her P&P performance killed him dead?Instantly. I don’t care that doesn’t make sense I know you all know what I mean.) she epitomised train wreck in some sort of homage to the school formal circa 1984. Helena, leave that land to Molly Ringwald and Cindy Lauper. Mind you, Tim Robbins with her was so obviously drinking the horse juice he made her look almost as put together as the Queen.

Is anyone else compelled to find some 24 hour webcam that is catching Nicole (OurNic) Kidman morph into an white asparagus spear?

Naomi (OurNaomi) Watts decided Darryl Hannah circa Splash was great channeling agent as she swathed herself in fishing netting.

Uma – Goddess of Everything – was the only one to dispel my theory that unless you are Jada Pinkett Smith, Tyra Banks or Halle Berry, you can NOT wear ‘nude’ without instantly reminding everyone of creepy-personified Crispin Glover in the rat movie.

Why does any coverage of major awards event even bother to include pictures of men on their own? Except for Jake, George and maybe Johnny, but only when he’s clean shaven and that kooky skinny French wife of his is cut out of the shot.

Why do I seem to be the only one who wants to hurt Michelle Williams for being so boring. So wide fat lipped. So trying to be the next Renee with those lips, that attempting to look serene, but with the beady dead eyes giving her away.

I think I saw Reese’s dress on Dame Joan

Did Keira “God I’m glad I made that soccer movie” Knightley really say, “I can’t really walk but it’s OK to stand in”. Maybe the heroin addict eye makeup wasn’t just makeup.

I hate electric blue. On anyone.

And that was a tough green to pull off.

I didn’t even know Jennifer had popped out the kid. She was pregnant for what felt like 18 months, but that could have just been the coma I fell into on constantly seeing that doey Affleck head always by her side.

I don’t know who Jessica Alba is (that is not a lie, I promise) but she hasn’t eaten since about 1984, and I suspect that was around when she was born.

Is Jennifer Aniston just giving up and accepting she will always be about the hair?

In the Land of botox and boob jobs, I couldn’t get over how small Felicity Huffman and Meryl Streep’s were. Fascinating.

Does anyone care about Joan and Melissa Rivers anymore? Did we ever?

I’m not across the whole Jon Stewart thing either (I know, being the popular culture whore I am my knowledge gaps are shocking) but he was awesome. I liked him a.lot.