One month today

The incubus is due one month today.

I’m feeling a mix of excitement (I am so pleased we haven’t found out if its a boy or girl) and realistic dread (about the crying, the sore boobs, establishing feeding, the sleep deprivation, the crying, the wobbly post-baby belly that takes me so long to …. well, I’ve never gotten rid of it really so, I guess I can put that worry in a bubble, the crying, the sleep deprivation, the crying, oh, the CRYING) stirred by a big crazy spoon of “I can’t believe we’re doing this again”.

I must say I am feeling less ‘stressed’ about going back to baby land – in that I know all of those things I’m dreading will pass. This is a huge indication of progress as when you have kids close together like Oscar and Felix, you don’t have time to recover and so the sense of completing fucking up your life is at times so oppressive, so suffocating, so depressing you don’t ever think you’ll surface.

At least now I look at the boys and know that it gets better and in fact, it gets fun.

Who would have thought.

Now just to get through the next three years with some semblance of sanity (thanks to undoubtedly lots of therapy and a return once more to my little white happy pills) . . .

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