New Favourite

My friend M introduced me to Nathaniel Rateliff & the Night Sweats last week. I’ve since bought his album and have it on a continual loop. Son of a bitch indeed.


Some time

It’s been some time since I’ve written here but not without trying. There’s about five failed drafts before this and who knows if this too will be relegated to the bleugh pile.

What have you been up to?

I’ve been busy keeping our slightly reduced family running. There’s been some revelations for me, primarily realising how much I’d been holding my breath and dampening down my spirit. When did that start? What it just in the last year? Was it a slow and steady decline over the years after one too many cutting jibes from him over whatever my latest obsession? I’m not sure, but I do know that particularly in the last month or so I’ve felt my soul opening up again and my lungs filling with air they were unknowingly starved of.

Did I tell you he is seeing someone? I don’t think I did. Of course I had myriad questions about this development but, after the initial shock and hurt, know and accept I will never ever know the truth about how, when, why and everything in between. With a deep sense of irony she works for an agency responsible for the betterment of women. *fistpump for the sisterhood* They live together but there is no room for the boys to go and stay. Take from that what you will.

So my ‘little’ family and I trundle on and you know what, I adore it. I adore my boys, I adore our mess, I rejoice in my complete and pure rejection to dusting and feel completely unshackled to parent exactly how I want to parent. I can be the mum I always wanted to be and interestingly thought I was. And maybe I really was I just didn’t see it whereas now it is all stripped bare.

Mum is, of course, worried about me.  The last couple of weeks had seen some terse interactions reminiscent of years ago in our relationship and I wasn’t handling it particularly well. The light bulb eventually went off and I just quietly let her know that I was OK. That we were going to be OK. That everything was OK. I could see her shoulders visibly drop. Bless her.

Felix is going to change high schools for the final two years of school. We had a meeting there last night and it re-fired him somewhat about going there – I think the initial enthusiasm was waning so it was perfect timing to meet with one of the teachers and confirm what subjects he’s going to do. Felix into Year 11. Yikes.

I am – once more – attempting to lose some weight because I am – once more – pushing maximum density to a whole new high. I’m following the 5:2 plan and am almost three weeks into it. I’m only weighing myself monthly because we all know how obsessive I can get over such things. I’m keeping a food diary which is really effective. I was going to put it here but I don’t know, maybe I will, we shall see.

What else can I tell you? Why don’t you tell me your news.

New Favourite

Not enough (original) Footloose but is there ever?

New favourite

For those not in the know, Avalon is a coastal suburb just up the road from me. But you have to drive through “the Bilgola bends” to get there. It changes you.

Everything in this is true.

Changing seasons

My period is now sufficiently late I am growing weary of all of the feelings all of the time. This is actually a bit of a turn for the books after the unintended over-medicating I had been subjecting myself to for oh, months? I use that question mark wisely because I have no idea when I virtually doubled one of my meds. So that inability to cry, the complete lack of energy, the constant need for sleep and the eyebrow-raising coping with the Family Realignment could all be explained away. But back to the period (are you still with me) I use this period tracker on my phone, it lets me know when it’s coming with an exclamation mark, like an impending celebration. Your period is due in two days! The irony of course is that reality combined with the exclamation mark makes me want to smash my phone to pieces. PIECES.

I’ve picked up so more work for March/April so that is a relief good. I am fairly constantly wringing my hands about me and employment. Should I get a permanent job somewhere, but how would I manage a commute and four kids and getting Oscar on and off his bus each day and oh my God watch me fall down this hole of angst. Pitch more stories, PITCH. But I’m not really a pitcher, I don’t know if it’s a confidence thing or an inability to think up new ideas but the idea of pitching a story to a magazine leaves me cold. Of course this is ridiculous because I’ve worked in jobs before where I had to come up with story ideas. Maybe I’m better to write something then pitch it but then I pick up more work and the idea gets left by the wayside. I think we can file this under: own worst enemy.

It’s still snowing in the US and all this has done is heighten my need to live somewhere where it does, indeed, snow. I know I know, if I DID live somewhere were it snowed I would be shaking my fists at it by now (but I really wouldn’t). Last night when I was putting the little boys to bed (almost 8 and almost 10, not so little but always so) I said if I won a lot of money I would pack us all up and ship off to somewhere where it snowed. They thought this was a grand plan until I informed them they’d probably miss their friends but would make new ones AND be able to skype old ones. SCHOOL they wailed. The innocence of it all. We’ll move to more snowy climes and never have to go to school again!

But March has arrived and it appears we have endured a Sydney summer without any 40+ heat waves. The first for as many years as I can remember. Yes, it will now arrive and last for 10 days just to punish me. But as it stands the air is cooler in the mornings and evenings, the humidity has dropped and my resting state of cranky has shifted.


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